I think my family pretty much know I'm not going to go back, even though I'm still officially baptized on paper.
The reason it has this mental, emotional and physical effect on me is because, looking back, being raised a JW messed me up big style and being back at a Kingdom Hall is a big trigger.
But I guess I do it because I can't live with the feelings my elderly parents' health has slid downhill because of me exiting the JWs.